28 May 2009

Long overwhelming days

Life has been quite overwhelming lately. Physically, emotionally and mentally overwhelming. Each day I go from feeling content for a nanosecond to feeling a rush of grief, followed by moments of sadness alternating with a push to keep moving. One minute I'm functioning, completing what needs to be done, but within minutes I'm back to feeling lost. Another minute I'm entertaining my creative side only to be left feeling guilty for looking for happiness amongst the muck. It sounds crazy, and it feels like it too. I feel everything, but yet I don't know what to feel.

And this would be the perfect time for me to write, but I can't seem to find the time to do it. I know that I should make time for my morning pages, but it's hard when everything I own is split up between three different residences. Sure the laptop is at one house, but the power cord is at another and which bag (in which house) did I put my journals in? Not to mention working full time (with an exhausting commute to boot), and trying to move all the contents of three houses into one while working on renovating the house that I'm attempting to move into. Did I mention that I also have twin boys? Oh & there's that photography business I've launched.

But I'm sure that someday soon things will fall into place. The renovation project will be an ongoing thing, and part of me is fairly excited about it. It's bittersweet though, knowing that everything I ever knew my grandmother's house to be is slowly going to be replaced with my own touch, my own visions. No matter what physical changes I make to that house, however, the positive energy of the many generations before me, back to my great great great grandparents who built the home, will never fade away.

I'm unsure though, when the sting from so much loss in such a short period of time will subside. One can keep themselves busy & try to continue on, but things will never be the same and that's something that busy can't cover up.

20 May 2009

here comes the rain again

I spend every morning & afternoon commute listening to NPR on the radio. I read the local newspaper almost daily. I used to hear all the very sad stories of people's struggles and the very bad hands some are dealt in life, and I would wonder to myself "how do people deal with such tragedies? How must that pain feel? How can one move on & find happiness amongst such grief?"

I now know answers to at least part of those questions, and I wish I didn't. This year has been the worst year of my life and it's not even halfway over. I started the year out with a sort of manic motivation to make this a really great year, a really productive year, a year where I would find myself on a path to a life that is full of fulfillment. Instead I've spent the past few months watching people I love dearly leave this life for reasons which I'll never understand. I've watched my family be touched by more pain than one should have to endure in such a short period of time. And I stand here still holding these visions of a beautiful life in the palm of my hand, guarding my hopes & dreams with every ounce of strength I have, while feeling completely brittle inside and out, trying not to fall to pieces.

I know this will pass, I know there's strength there, but wallow in grief I must.....again.

I miss you daddy, please tell Gammy that I miss her too.

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40. mother. earth lover. mover. creater.