stuck

I find myself at a crossroads, standing idly amongst the many options, feeling completely paralyzed and unable to focus. Each route enticing me with brightly colored, flashing billboards, touting their lists of glorious outcomes while the one road that I’m on flashes it’s own consistent sign warning me that those other outcomes are empty promises and that there is security in continuing to stay on route.

I stand here, wanting so for the road that I’m on to suddenly build it’s own brightly lit billboard with all the wonderful things I’m wishing for it to contain. I’ve spent a long and quite frustrating time wishing these things to fruition and I’m pretty certain that most of these things are never going to appear on this road. I’m becoming more certain every day that this road will always contain the same depressing scenes with the same status-quo experiences and if I stay on this road I am certain to come to the end of it and look back in regret at the options that I’ve passed up.

Life is never easy, and I’m not expecting my road to be full of roses, blue sparkling lakes with amazing mountains reflecting in them. I know I’m going to come across a desert on occasion, dry and void of color; and it’s going to be a struggle to stay hydrated as I find my way back to the sunlight. But it seems that the road I’m on is destined to continue through barren land.

If I were to leave this road, I would leave most of this barren land behind, but I would also be leaving a bag full of 33 years of existence behind me too, and that bag contains many things that I don’t know how to let go of. The bag is tied tightly in unsolvable knots around my waist, growing roots around me. Roots that are important and strong, but slowly starting to weigh me down.

So here I continue to stand, twiddling my thumbs while I wait for an epiphany.



Comments

Kristen said…
Change starts with one step on a new path.
August 3, 2010 at 2:33 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

friends

Image
This is not a "december view" necessarily, but it's a view I'm having now, and it's December, and I'm going to go with it anyway..... This year has been a tough one for me. I lost my grandmother in a way that no one should lose a loved one, and three months later I lost my father to cancer. I also took my photography business official within this time. It's been hard in a way, to concentrate on something that brings me happiness while I'm suffering with grief at the same time. But in other ways it helps me to see beauty where I typically feel sadness and loss. And through everything I've gone through, I have to give my love to the two girls in the picture, two girls who have become friends that I wish I had had throughout my whole life. They've spend numerous lunch hours listening to me complalin, cry, gripe and just plain bitch about everything that I can complain about. And for that, and everything else they've done for me, I have t
Read more

December Reflections - 2016 Edition

Image
I've been participating in most of  Susannah's  photo challenges for a couple years now and while I always look forward to them, I have to say that this years December Reflections  is more welcomed than any I've joined so far. At a time when there are so many words flowing around inside of me, I'm struggling to pull them out and organize them in any rational fashion.  There are multiple projects in front of me that need tweaked and perfected and readied for the finish line.  And all I want to do is sink into my couch, under the blankets, warm tea in hand, and knit. And knit. And knit. Tis the season, right? So, this comes as the perfect daily ritual for me, at a time when all I want to do is hibernate,  and I'm feeling myself resisting anything that doesn't involve yarn, or sleep, or comfort food.  It's good to have something to focus on that feeds my creative energy. I took this photo one morning last week when I was heading out for the day.  It
Read more

The Weight of it All

Image
Early in the spring, the blossoms of an apple tree bring the beginning of a cycle, as they fill every inch of its' branches, creating a brilliant display against the blue skies and greening grasses.  The limbs reach up, seeming to open to the warming sun, and it's usually a welcomed reminder of beauty after the darkness of winter. As summer rolls around, the trees pull strength from the sustenance provided by all that is given them during this season, to create the life that they will eventually provide to us when the time comes to harvest. And as the time to harvest comes, you can see the progression that the tree has made from those first days of spring.  The fruit is abundant, and the weight of what it bears pulling its' limbs towards the ground. It's quite a different sight and evokes such a contrasting energy than that of spring. In my own season of grief, I look upon these apple trees, realizing how closely they mimic my own feeling of overwhelm.  I feel
Read more