05 May 2012

Throw Fear Overboard

Reading back over some recent posts on this blog, I see that I am pretty open and honest in my writing here.  Granted, I have only shared this little space of mine with a very select few of my closest friends, and I assume (on most days) that no one else anywhere has even found this blog, let alone spent any time reading it.  And I guess in some ways that gives me a little more security in allowing myself to be more raw here.  No one is going to read it anyway.  And I guess the .01% of me that occasionally thinks that maybe someone out there does or will read it and find some relation to what I say here.....I guess that part of me gains a little bit of excitement in the possibilities.  So, in all the other blog reading I do, I found this one today: http://www.creaturecomfortsblog.com/home/2012/5/3/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you.html.  And I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to update my own blog, with a bit more of that raw honesty that usually lines the pages of my private journals.  Honestly? I don't really feel that afraid right now, but here goes...and in list form, because I love making lists :)

1.  7 months ago I quit my full-time day job, complete with full benefits, a decent regular paycheck, retirement package, paid vacation, and it was as secure as any job can get.  I spent 15 years there, and I decided that was enough, and I took an early retirement.....with a pension that wouldn't support the most frugal of people.  I was miserable at that job and every day I went there I was completely ridden with anxiety.  Even when I wasn't there I was full of anxiety about going there again.  But I quit to pursue my photography business on a full time basis.  And there are days where I wonder if I should have held out a little longer.  Should I have tried to make it work for a little bit longer?  I do think these things sometimes.  And I do have the fear of struggling sometimes.  Because it is scary.  Especially when you have children and are providing the only income in your household.  And I am scared sometimes.  So, that's the part I'm afraid to tell you...BUT, the part that I'm NOT afraid to tell you is that I am not overcome with that anxiety anymore and even though I struggle with the decision sometimes, it's not ME that is causing the struggle, it's people (or rather one person in particular) that have nothing but negative to say and constantly remind me that I'm going to fail.

2.  Continuing on from that, the biggest thing that I fear letting out is the fact that I still let this one persons words have even the slightest effect on me.  Every single person in my life has been nothing but supportive of my decision and has continued to praise my talents and push me forward with motivational words and I could not have gone into this place without all of them.  But this one little person, with their little mind, incapable of seeing outside of their own views, unable to put their own self into anyone elses shoes long enough to try to see things from a different point of view, still has the ability to make me doubt what 99.9% of everyone else continues to tell me.  And I should know better....and for the most part I DO know better.  But those awful words still sting sometimes.  And I'm working really hard to not let them.

3.  I lack motivation sometimes.  There are days where I want to do absolutely nothing and I feel so uninspired and I end up just laying around as the dog hair carpets my floor (because I get tired of vacuuming twice a day) but I can never relax because I feel guilty for being "lazy" when shit needs done.  Part of the guilt also lies in the hurtful words of that same little person who continues to remind me of how lazy I am.  Which is why I supposedly will never succeed in what I set out to accomplish.  Yes, here we are again. Is there a pattern?

4.  On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, there is another person, one who has been absolutely amazing and perfect in so many ways.  One who never ever comments on any of the less-than-perfect parts of me.  One who never utters a negative word or passes any judgement on me in any way.  One who just completely supports me and compliments me and says the oh-so-nicest-things.  And I'm oh-so-thankful to have that person in my life.  But what I am afraid to say is how important that person has become to me and how afraid I am of that person ever walking out of my life.  I feel completely vulnerable and am beyond paralyzed to put any of what I'm feeling into words....even though this person deserves to know how truly amazing and awesome they are.

5.  While writing this, every line of it, I've had the urge to go back and edit my words.  I have a tendency to do that when I write.....to re-think, re-group, re-work everything that has been put down already.  And as much as I'm afraid to just leave it as it is, I'm going to do just that.  No editing, just my thoughts as I typed them.  And there they will stay.

And because I am not defined by my fears, even though this post is supposed to be about all the things that I'm afraid to say (or some of them, because this list could go on for much longer), I have to end this with some positives.  All of these fears only push me to keep moving.  And while these fears may show up unannounced and linger longer than I wish at times, I still know deep down inside that they are only fears, and that I am much bigger and better than that.

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40. mother. earth lover. mover. creater.