20 November 2013

Decision and Indecision


This journey continues.  I've been conflicted in whether to continue to take on photography work on a professional level and the answer still doesn't seem to be clearly presenting itself.  I've been letting go for a while, finishing up the processing from the sessions that filled every free moment of the past two months while trying not to make a decision.  Thinking that the answer will come to me when the time is right.

The time comes and goes, and comes and goes again.

After I finished all my scheduled shoots at the end of October, I made it clear that I was taking a break. Yet somehow the work continued to present itself.  So I thought that maybe I wasn't meant to quit it, at least not just yet.  And I never really planned to completely quit, yet there are also times that I don't want anything to do with it any more.

This is the Libra quality I struggle with most.  Trying to find balance in my life, I struggle with making decisions more than anything.  I rely on my intuition, and have been trying to pay more attention to it and base my perceptions, views and choices on where my deepest inner self is leading me. Mostly it's been leading me to paths that are beneficial to me and that teach me important lessons and aide me in finding parts of myself that I've been searching for. Yet, this one decision has been eating away at me like a vulture chews away at roadkill in between passing cars.

It comes and goes, and comes and goes again.

There are other things I feel drawn to concentrate on more than providing my photography services in this business sense and I truly believe that I'm meant to explore and hone in on them further.  There are other creative avenues of photography I want to explore and work on further, but I'm being pulled to other creative outlets and life paths too.

There is a part of me that just isn't ready to let go of the business, even though I already have in some ways.  I shut down the website, I let my domain expire, even though I'm still in talks with potential clients and going through the motions of taking on a little more work.  But it's slowly coming to an end.  The vulture seems to be picking away at scraps now as I fight against letting it finish its meal.

I know it's time.  And if I can be just completely balls-out honest?  The only thing keeping me from letting it go is pride.  I know that I didn't fail at running this business.  But the little ego-based voices in my head are doing a good job of trying to make me see it that way.  But everything that I've done has led me to where I am and I truly believe that I am where I'm supposed to be.  I have a great job at a great place; one that provides me with a sense of accomplishment, appreciation, a great group of co-workers (who also happen to be friends!), a fantastic boss, a flexible schedule, and a steady paycheck.  And I couldn't be happier.  Had I not left my state job, I wouldn't be here right now.  Had I not taken the leap to start this business I wouldn't realize that it's not what I'm meant to do.

I enjoy photography.  I enjoy shooting weddings.  I love capturing the completely free expressions of a child running and exploring their surroundings.  But I don't love running a business and relying on the economy for an income.  And I don't love marketing and promoting and advertising and many other aspects of it.

Yes, I believe it's time to let it go.


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40. mother. earth lover. mover. creater.