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Showing posts from 2016

Embody

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The process of finding my word for 2017 has not been a tough one.  Last year I went through Susannah Conways'  Find Your Word Course  and it brought me to my word for 2016, which was Movement . This year, I came to my word rather easily, as it was thrust in my presence continuously over the past few weeks.  I've read it in blog posts and articles, I've heard it uttered in multiple podcasts, and the word has been spoken by friends in conversation.  The first time it hit me, I knew it would be my guiding word for 2017. Embody . I've been true to my words the past few years.  Allowing them to guide me, and repeating them in my head every time I needed to remind myself to focus.   Movement got me up off my ass on the occasions during 2016 where I felt the laziness settle in.   Movement  has helped me to unclutter areas of my physical and mental space.   Movement helped me change habits and it was the first thing I did January 1st when I woke up after smashing out my

Intent on Intentions

On December 31, at 11:45, I will be one year free of cigarettes.  There was one evening I had one in my hand, back at the beginning of May I believe, but I never lit it and never would consider it.  I think at that point it was nice to know that I could put one in my hand, look at it, (with a lighter in my pocket as I still need something for incense, candles and such) and just know that I was done with it. There were certainly points of time during the past year that I noticed the space left open by not smoking, but the space was the reward.  The space of not needing to stop what I was doing at any given time to take a break and go smoke.  If you are a 10 cigarette a day smoker, that adds up to 100 minutes or more a day.  And what can one do with 100 minutes in a day?  Granted, there are things that one can do while smoking, but considering I never smoked in my house or around my kids, the act of smoking was always something that required time "away" from whatever I was do

Post Solstice Ramblings

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As the year begins its' journey into becoming the past, I am beginning my own journey, as I always do at this time, further into myself.  The autumn always greets me with an invitation to dive deeper into the metaphorical waters to continue the search for more.  To search for more.  Because there is always more. To look at where I need to make changes. Because there is always room for improvement. To hold space for what the year has given me.  Because there are always gifts, even in a year that has held many challenges and grief-stricken moments for many people.  My 2016 was 2009, but as an empath I feel it all anyway, so there are always moments of holding space for others in my life. It's not the prospect of a new year, in and of itself, that creates this force in me.  While I do enjoy the idea of a clear, blank page in front of me, it's the whole season itself.  The darkness outside that invites me into my own darkness inside.  The opportunity to confront

December Reflections - 2016 Edition

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I've been participating in most of  Susannah's  photo challenges for a couple years now and while I always look forward to them, I have to say that this years December Reflections  is more welcomed than any I've joined so far. At a time when there are so many words flowing around inside of me, I'm struggling to pull them out and organize them in any rational fashion.  There are multiple projects in front of me that need tweaked and perfected and readied for the finish line.  And all I want to do is sink into my couch, under the blankets, warm tea in hand, and knit. And knit. And knit. Tis the season, right? So, this comes as the perfect daily ritual for me, at a time when all I want to do is hibernate,  and I'm feeling myself resisting anything that doesn't involve yarn, or sleep, or comfort food.  It's good to have something to focus on that feeds my creative energy. I took this photo one morning last week when I was heading out for the day.  It

Change Feels Good

I started smoking shortly before I turned 12. It wouldn't turn into a true habit for a couple years, but by the time I got to high school I was a smoker. We would pack ourselves into the bathroom stalls between periods and "hotbox" one between us in a quick minute and then head to the next class, planning to meet again in 50 minutes to share another. At that point, it wasn't because I thought it made me "cool".  I enjoyed it.  And for years it would continue to be something I enjoyed.  I loved being a smoker. Today, the smell makes me gag. I quit when I had my boys, while I breastfed them for two years, and started right back up when they weaned, though never smoked in front of them, nor did I ever smoke in my house. New Years Eve, December 31, 2015, at 11:45 pm I smoked my last one.  And then I crawled into an epsom salt bath before going to bed.  I had quit numerous times in my life, and the most recent was in 2014 for about 4 months.  At that

The Land of Blame and Judgment

That's us, and this is the main response I've seen to the unfortunate gorilla incident.  "It's the mothers' fault. She should have been watching her child better.  The zoo should have had more protective measures in place to keep this from happening."  All true. Perhaps. And my own initial reaction was "How did that child get down there?" But our initial reactions should have been more along the lines of: "That must have been really tough for that mother to go through.  I bet she was really scared." "It's really sad that the gorilla had to die." "It's good that the child is safe and okay." Instead, we respond with judgment.  Why did the mother allow this to happen?  We rush to place the blame and the first place that it goes is the one person who would need compassion and support the most in a situation like this.  How would any of us feel or react if it were our child? Oh yeah, of course it wouldn

Draining the Well

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Life is a series of journeys.  I will turn 40 this October and have been on many already, navigating path after path full of twists and turns. To say it's been a constant challenge would be an understatement.  But that's what life is, isn't it?  One challenge after another.  They aren't all hard and tough challenges, but every part of my journey has called for me to muster up even more strength to move towards the next part.  And strength requires effort. The past decade has provided some of the toughest lessons and I feel like it has been the most intense in a spiritual sense.  I've gone through some of the deepest soul searching imaginable.  I've questioned everything from why am I here to does God really exist, and if he does in what form?  I've prayed, I've meditated, I've screamed begging for answers and I've sat in silence yearning for them.  I've had soul-filling epiphanies and I've had moments where I've been left more c

Dear Younger Me

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Very thankful for  the lovely Susannah , who continues to provide me with creative inspiration.  Here is my own love letter.  You can find Susannahs'  love letter here .  Or you can join in every day in the  April Love  if you are inspired to keep writing. Dear Younger Me: At not quite 18, you have no idea how fast the years are going to go.  But I can tell you that one day you will be 39 years old and you will be reminded of the many times that your elders said those same words.  "The older you get the faster it goes."  So many cliches' and every single one of them so very true.  "You'll eat those words". And my how many of them you will eat. You are well aware of what you have, even if you do sometimes take it for granted.  All those times you think about the day you won't have to call and check in with your parents and let them know you're okay?  Well, that day will never come.  You will never intentionally let a day pass w

Honor Your Mother!

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In honor of Womens' History Month, let me begin by honoring the first woman I have looked up to. The first woman to hold me, to care for me, to bear the responsibility of being everything that I would and will need, all wrapped up in one person.  Because even though everyone in my family would play a crucial role in raising me, and to this day each of them (here and gone) continues to guide me in one way or another, it is and always will be a childs' mother who can fill a place that no other can. My beautiful mother is and always was my best friend.  I've given her every grey hair on her head and she's never wavered in her support.  Even when she disagrees with me, she supports me.  I was a really good baby but a rather challenging teenager, and while I am becoming calmer in my years, I still am quite stubborn, and she continues to be there.   My mother has always been my biggest and most encouraging fan/support when it comes to writing, yet I'm at a l

Dear Grandma

Seven years ago, at this very moment, our little part of the village was bustling with police activity and a dark cloud full of grief that would continue to take up residence for a long time after. Today, it was a bright, sunny, quiet morning with few noises when I left to go to work.  They're calling for more snow tomorrow.  When I read back through your journals you mention, quite often, the beauty of the snow.  I know how much you loved winter, and that helps me appreciate it more than I did even as a wonder-filled child. I think of you every time I look out the window and see it sparkling under the moonlight.  When I'm standing at the sink in the kitchen doing dishes, I love to watch the birds at the mock orange bushes.  Cardinals often take a perch to watch me too but I imagine you know that. There are still many moments where I feel like someone is standing behind me, or is hanging out in the next room watching me.  I see movement out of the corner of my eye often.  T

Do Murderers Get Birthday Cake In Prison?

Dear Colton – There is a photo stored away in a box somewhere in my closet from about 26 years ago.   I was 13 years old and holding you as a baby who had just been born.   Your birth was such a cause for celebration to all of us who had been close to your family.   Your mom prayed for you for many years.   My mom, her best friend, prayed right along with her.   You were a miracle and it brought us all such joy to welcome you.   You were a pretty big boy, too, getting stuck on your way earthside, but you made it and we all celebrated your arrival. I remember one day when you were about 6 months old, we were all sitting on the pool deck at my parents house.  My mother and I, and you with your mother.  Somehow you tumbled into the pool and for some reason, my reflexes were the quickest.  I jumped right in and pulled you out, and you would survive. You weren't in the water very long at all, but any mother who has been through any situation remotely similar will tell you that ev

Tuesday's Distraction on Wednesday

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It's extremely difficult to focus on work when the boss comes in with his puppy, tells you to keep an eye on her, and walks out the door.  So then this happens.  This little girl is quickly becoming my best friend. Even though she wants to chew my hair, and my shirt, and lick my jeans (she smells my doggie). On another note, I was able to get out for a hike over the weekend.  It was a little on the chillier side and I noted the possibility of snow in the forecast, but I went out anyway.  Met a friend there and the trail was much busier than I expected it to be.  Found a group hanging out when we got to the top of the rocks and passed at least three more groups of hikers on our way down.  It started snowing before we started our descent, and it added such a peaceful air around us.  I'm ready to get out again, but it's looking like we'll be snowed in this weekend.  Good thing I have plenty of yarn.

Tuesdays Distraction

Todays distraction is brought to you in honor of the following: David Bowie, who I've loved and have been listening to since I was old enough to recognize truly good music. Movement, my word of the year, combined with the first video below, so that everyone can pay respects to Mr. Bowie and dance!!!! My dad, who would have celebrated his 69th birthday on the day David Bowie left the earth.  I like to think that where ever they are, David sang Happy Birthday to my dad :). So, if you haven't already (because obviously social media has already covered millions of shares), or if you have and would like to again (me! me!) here's some David Bowie for your enjoyment, nostalgia, and distraction. My favorite! A version I remember seeing when I was very young, but have forgotten about. 6:08 I would totally have bought an audio book of David Bowie does Nursery Rhymes and played it for my kids every night! I've heard him refer in this way to his process numerous tim

Tuesdays Distraction

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I'm going to go through some creative experimentation this month and work on finding some routines that work for me.  For example, Tuesdays Distraction may turn into an every Tuesday list of things that I find which make me feel good and spark encouragement to create and move.  On the other hand, I might decide that I want to call it something else and do it on another day of the week.  Or maybe I'll do it today and then not ever want to do it again. We shall see. The point is, with my word for 2016 being "Movement" I'm just going with it when it hits me.  Rather than sitting and thinking on things, wondering if it's precisely the way I want to do it and then never really following through. Yay for movement!  For now, please enjoy the things that have been distracting me, but in a good way. The photo above is a pair of jeans I'm mending using a Japanese hand mending method. I can see this being my new obsession (because I do occasionally need a break