26 December 2009

More December Views

Christmas Eve at my mom's house. I enjoyed capturing some of her decorations amongst the chaos of four children scrambling to open all their gifts.

Lego's, Bionicle's and Play-Doh, Oh My!

20 December 2009

View #2

I've been snapping the last couple weeks but haven't gotten them off the camera til today. Busy time of year, indeed.

Taken from inside the warmth of my house. S is for Snow, which we got lots of this weekend!

Reflection :)
I love this shot!
One of my favorite things. A jar full of shells from, yep, Ocracoke.
Red Fish
Blue Fish hanging at the bottom :( where he's been for about two weeks now. Swimming up occasionally to attempt to eat, but just falling right back down. I'm hoping he perks up.

16 December 2009


2008 was tough, and when it was over I was glad. I looked to 2009 to bring change, to bring the many things I was looking to see become reality in my life, and as January came I began to take steps towards making it all come true. 2009 was going to be my year. I was ready and pushing forward.

Just one short month into 2009 as I basked in the happiness I felt over purchasing a domain and setting up my photography website I was hit with tragedy in the sudden, horrible and totally unexpected loss of my grandmother. A woman who was the rock in my family. A woman who I looked to for wisdom and strength and cherished with every piece of my heart. It wasn’t a natural loss and the fact that I know she would have lived well past the centurian mark made it even harder to accept the loss. And just three even shorter months later I lost my father to cancer. Another rock. A man who spent his whole life working to provide for his family. A man who never thought of himself. He spent his days doing for others, making sure everyone else was happy. Yes, I am an only child and yes he spoiled me and I loved him immensely.

So needless to say, 2009 took a very different turn than I ever would have imagined. I’m still struggling to accept things, especially as the holidays draw near. I still question God every day, how this could have happened. How so much pain and sorrow could be shoved upon one family like this. However, I have persevered in some ways. I continued to work on my photography business. And I needed that. I needed something that could still allow me to see beauty through all the ugliness that had come to cloud my usually cheerful outlook. While I have fallen in other ways and pushed aside a lot of the things I’ve needed to change, I have kept moving on one thing.

And now, as 2010 is just around the corner, I have been making lists, running things through my head and planning what’s to come. For quite some time now, I’ve been compiling all these things to put in one nice big package for the new year……The Year of Me. And this is even before I stumbled upon this blog post: http://artcetera.squarespace.com/artcetera/2009/11/23/the-year-of-me.html

I read this post and made a promise to myself that by the end of 2010 I will also post that I have quit my job for the same reasons. And to answer her question, “What do you choose?”, well, I choose happiness. I choose acceptance for things that I can not change, I choose continuing perseverance, and I choose my own path. Happily I say goodbye to 2009, and although 2010 is going to bring just as many struggles as this year has, I will continue to fight the down. The only way to go is forward and I choose to make my own path.

12 December 2009

december views! finally

halfway through the month but here's my first contribution :)
lunch on friday at a local pub. wish i'd had the d700 with me for this one.
following grandma through the Christmas Tree farm
This one was taken by one of my boys, his favorite decoration. Not too bad.

07 December 2009

full plate

December views.......had I actually taken pictures this weekend, they would have consisted of laundry, dishes, the inside of cupboards and drawers, kitchen utensils, fish bowls.

Tonight.....no procrastination.

05 December 2009


This is not a "december view" necessarily, but it's a view I'm having now, and it's December, and I'm going to go with it anyway.....

This year has been a tough one for me. I lost my grandmother in a way that no one should lose a loved one, and three months later I lost my father to cancer. I also took my photography business official within this time. It's been hard in a way, to concentrate on something that brings me happiness while I'm suffering with grief at the same time. But in other ways it helps me to see beauty where I typically feel sadness and loss.

And through everything I've gone through, I have to give my love to the two girls in the picture, two girls who have become friends that I wish I had had throughout my whole life. They've spend numerous lunch hours listening to me complalin, cry, gripe and just plain bitch about everything that I can complain about. And for that, and everything else they've done for me, I have to show my love for them. They're beautiful girls, inside and out, talented photographers, and have been amazing friends to me. I am so lucky to have bonded with them and I know that the connection we've made will continue........

03 December 2009

December Views -

Joining in the fun http://www.hippyurbangirl.com/december-views. Look for a photo later tonight!

In other news: I finished my 101 things in 1001 days list :) But I haven't read Twilight yet. I think part of my hesitation to start the book (other than being extremely busy lately) is that I'm afraid I won't put it down & other necessary things won't get done....like laundry, and dishes. It seems that everyone I know who has read this book finishes it in two or three days or less even. Maybe I'll tackle it this weekend. Along with Project: Clean-Porch, and Project: Plan-Kitchen-Remodel, and of course Project: Laundry-Dishes-Floors-Dusting-DeCluttering.

17 November 2009

Still procrastinating

I guess I'm not really procrastinating that much. I did paint the living room. One coat of primer and two coats of a beautiful eggshell/creamy white colored paint. It looks fabulous and really brightens the room. The futon is set up and a lovely addition. Most of the couch is still there, but I did remove the middle piece so it's just basically the size of a regular couch now. There is still a lot more room than previously, so progress has been made.

However, the day after, basking in the newness of the room, the flu bug hit. The rest of the week was spent watching one after another of us come down with it. Everyone weathered that storm well and we're all back to normal, but it did lend another excuse as to why I never even started to read Twilight, still have wedding pictures to finish in addition to those two pesky lists.

This week. For real. No more procrastinating.

05 November 2009

Motivation of a procrastinating perfectionist

A few friends of mine recently created a "101 things in 1001 days" list. I haven't done much research into this, but apparently it's something that many people are doing. I decided to start a list, and make it in conjunction with my "bucket list". I have had my bucket list in my head for at least a year now, but never have put it onto paper. Many reasons why, of course. I'm busy of course, overwhelmed with a house that needs remodeled on pretty much every level, spending quality time with my chldren on a daily basis, a full time job, a part time business, and THAT list can go on and on and on forever, with excuse after excuse of why I just haven't been able to make the time (keywords here...make. the. time) to do something that really wouldn't take very long. And it would be rewarding. Making a list, having the list completed, watching myself do the very fun and wonderfully fullfilling things on that list and crossing them off. Rewarding indeed.

Let's go to reason number two of why the list isn't completed. How do I just pick 101 things? I guess I could make the bucket list, and then look at the things that seem "do-able" in 1001 days and throw those on the 101 list, but what if there are more things? Can I actually have more than 101 things? And should I really be putting house renovation-type things on this 101 list? Are they 101-worthy? Isn't that just necessary stuff that needs done? Shouldn't this 101 list (and the bucket list of course) be full of things that will make me happy, things that I WANT to do and experience? So, here you have the "perfectionist" jumping out & then #3...I procrastinate on it and set it aside because I haven't figured out the perfect way to do it, so I just don't do it. Just keep it in my head until I figure out the perfect way to do it. Insane, really. Utterly insane.

So, while I have a room to paint this weekend, and a futon to set up and a three piece sectional to move up a flight of very narrow stairs. I'm going to finish both my bucket list and my 101 list this weekend and set my 1001 days to start on Monday. And come Monday, I'll be able to cross off "paint the living room" from the 101 list :) because these are two things that I'm no longer going to procrastinate on. And maybe I'll add "stop procrastinating" and "stop trying to be perfect" to that list too (even if they end up being #102 & 103).

Now, with this new motivation in hand, I wonder if I could read the first Twilight series book this weekend too, and perhaps finish editing the photos from the wedding I shot at the beginning of October. Or would that be a bit much?

18 September 2009


sometimes change is good. sometimes we are thrust into new situations without a moment's notice and are forced to adapt. not always easy, but necessary, yes. sometimes there are changes that you see and want and yearn for but again, not always easy to take that step into the unknown. often we stick to the way things are because of fear. even if we know that making that change is the best path, there is still a fear that the change might not work out the way we envision.

but certainly there is strength and one gets to the point where more time is spent contemplating how to make the change rather than just jumping in feet first and planting them strongly in their place & saying "just gonna do it".

analyzing can be a good thing, but it can also hinder progress.

19 August 2009


That's me. Yep. And I'd be happy to give you a few examples.

1. Last summer I was adamant about not buying a mower that needed fuel to run. Certainly a riding mower would have been quite efficient for my yard, but it wasn't all that big and I figured I could use a push mower and get a bit of a workout and allow my kids to play outside. But then I figured, well, I'd have to push a push mower, so why not go with one of those old-school reel mowers!!!! They're environmentally friendly, and I'd get a great work out and the whole kids playing outside thing :) Yeah! Ha! I did the whole backyard in about 2 or so hours the first time, and it wasn't all that bad, but it was also completely fenced in. The front yard was not fenced in and I would only get one or two laps end to end completed before I had to go redirect someone to "stay in the driveway, please". And though the front yard is slightly smaller, it seemed to take longer.

So, long story short.....the novelty wore off. When it was hot it was MISERABLE, when it rained I'd be out there every other day it seemed. But I've already mentioned the stubborn thing, right? Needless to say, I still have the reel mower, but I now have about 6 acres that require regular mowing, so I believe I'm going to give in on this one. (I have to point out that I've been lucky enough to have a really rockin retired Uncle who has thoroughly enjoyed mowing my yard this summer. I can not begin to express my gratitude).

2. My mother and I both decided, late in the spring, that we were going to attempt to survive the entire summer without putting in the window a/c units in either of our homes. It worked out quite well as the summer actually started out fairly wet with even temperatures.

It's gotten really hot. The past two weeks have seen me changing clothes sometimes more than merely once a day and taking a quick shower just to rinse off. I am being totally stubborn now. It's August 19th. It's not going to last much longer. Surely I can survive another week, no? Considering the fact that I survived the last few weeks of my (albeit short) twin pregnancy in a house with no air conditioner, 50 extra pounds and two growing bodies inside me, I most certainly can survive another week or two of hot weather.

And here's where I get even more stubborn. Someone had offered to re-open the pool at my parents house about a month ago. I just never made it a priority and figured that there wouldn't be much time left in the summer and I was planning to wait til next summer. I wasn't really being stubborn, but I really really wish, now, that I had made it more of a priority. That pool would be so very nice right now.

I could probably add another couple dozen (or more) items to this list, cause I am really stubborn. But I think I've proven my point :)

29 July 2009


Tonight I had dinner with an old childhood friend. I think we're actually related somewhere back to our great grandparents. It was really nice, and it feels good to find little pieces of happiness amongst the very unhappy things that have seemed to be taking up too much space in 2009.

It always amazes me how people grow up & lose touch, and all the reasons why. Most of the time there really aren't reasons other than space, time, and just a lack of ability to keep in touch with everyone we meet. People get involved in things, they get busy, they have families, work too hard, and the list goes on and on. It seems, though, that no matter how much time & space has gone by, those connections seem to continue on.

It's refreshing.

13 July 2009


Annoying is when you sit down and write something perfect, and then you mistakenly end up erasing it and can't get it back. Then you realize that it took all the energy you had to write that, and you're now starting to get a headache and you also see that the battery on your laptop is running down and you don't have the energy to plug it in.

And your head is really starting to hurt. So, instead of trying to find the words again, you shut down your computer and take a nap. A much much needed nap.

26 June 2009


I rarely, if ever, paint my fingernails, but I'm not really happy in the summertime unless my toes are painted too.
It's tough to find environmentally (and people) friendly nail polish.
I love fresh flowers in a beautiful vase.
I love how yoga makes me feel, but I only end up doing it on average about once a month.
I have a large collection of poetry that I have written over the years. Maybe someday I'll do something with it.
I love writing utensils, mostly pens. And paper, and notebooks, and I love writing by hand.
I also love books. Especially used books, old books, books that have been touched, enjoyed and show just how much. Something about the texture of a worn hardcover book in my hands.
I thought about numbering this list, but decided not to.
I could still change my mind and add numbers, or bullet points.
I have a hard time making decisions.
I'm a Libra, in many many ways.
I am always very quick to point out grammatical or punctuation errors or typos in other's writing, but a lot of times, I will send emails using all lowercase and make up my own words........and do that thing with the dots.......like this.
I swore I would never ever own a pair of crocs, but I do, and I love them, and I would wear them every day if I could.
When I was pregnant I ate Moose Tracks ice cream every day. Sometimes more than once.

09 June 2009

Beep Beep

The classic Road Runner. A car that has become rusty and is falling to pieces from sitting lonely for years in my parents driveway, quite neglected due to lack of time to give it the attention it needs. Yet when I look at that car, I still see the sprawling red stripe running back across it's shiny, beautiful black painted surface. I still hear the deep rumbling of it's engine, humming softly af first, but getting louder, feeling it in my bones as it gets closer, closer to the driveway. Then the gentle revving just before being shut off outside the garage. I knew within seconds that my daddy would be walking through the door, usually pulling a candy bar out of his pocket for his only little girl.

Oh how I miss you daddy, what I wouldn't give to feel the bristle of your cheeks on my face as you lean down to hug me close.

I bugged you for years, daddy, to get rid of that car. A car that you "would like to fix up someday". Well, it might take me years, but if I can I would like to pour my blood, sweat & tears into that reality for you. I don't even know where to start, but I know how it's going to feel to finish.

28 May 2009

Long overwhelming days

Life has been quite overwhelming lately. Physically, emotionally and mentally overwhelming. Each day I go from feeling content for a nanosecond to feeling a rush of grief, followed by moments of sadness alternating with a push to keep moving. One minute I'm functioning, completing what needs to be done, but within minutes I'm back to feeling lost. Another minute I'm entertaining my creative side only to be left feeling guilty for looking for happiness amongst the muck. It sounds crazy, and it feels like it too. I feel everything, but yet I don't know what to feel.

And this would be the perfect time for me to write, but I can't seem to find the time to do it. I know that I should make time for my morning pages, but it's hard when everything I own is split up between three different residences. Sure the laptop is at one house, but the power cord is at another and which bag (in which house) did I put my journals in? Not to mention working full time (with an exhausting commute to boot), and trying to move all the contents of three houses into one while working on renovating the house that I'm attempting to move into. Did I mention that I also have twin boys? Oh & there's that photography business I've launched.

But I'm sure that someday soon things will fall into place. The renovation project will be an ongoing thing, and part of me is fairly excited about it. It's bittersweet though, knowing that everything I ever knew my grandmother's house to be is slowly going to be replaced with my own touch, my own visions. No matter what physical changes I make to that house, however, the positive energy of the many generations before me, back to my great great great grandparents who built the home, will never fade away.

I'm unsure though, when the sting from so much loss in such a short period of time will subside. One can keep themselves busy & try to continue on, but things will never be the same and that's something that busy can't cover up.

20 May 2009

here comes the rain again

I spend every morning & afternoon commute listening to NPR on the radio. I read the local newspaper almost daily. I used to hear all the very sad stories of people's struggles and the very bad hands some are dealt in life, and I would wonder to myself "how do people deal with such tragedies? How must that pain feel? How can one move on & find happiness amongst such grief?"

I now know answers to at least part of those questions, and I wish I didn't. This year has been the worst year of my life and it's not even halfway over. I started the year out with a sort of manic motivation to make this a really great year, a really productive year, a year where I would find myself on a path to a life that is full of fulfillment. Instead I've spent the past few months watching people I love dearly leave this life for reasons which I'll never understand. I've watched my family be touched by more pain than one should have to endure in such a short period of time. And I stand here still holding these visions of a beautiful life in the palm of my hand, guarding my hopes & dreams with every ounce of strength I have, while feeling completely brittle inside and out, trying not to fall to pieces.

I know this will pass, I know there's strength there, but wallow in grief I must.....again.

I miss you daddy, please tell Gammy that I miss her too.

23 April 2009


Not the movie, but those little buggers in the back of your mind that creep up when you start to realize just how capable & talented you are at something. They are the voices that whisper to you just loud enough for you to hear "are you sure? do you really think so?" Just enough to make you stop & entertain their silly musings. Because that's all they are. Just silliness.

18 April 2009

Ah yes, there it is!

Spring ! It seems to officially be here. The sun is shining beautifully and there's a slight breeze. The warm air feels so good. No coat! It's been fabulous today, indeed.

I have so much to say, but time is not something that I seem to have a lot of lately. I've launched a photography business so most of my free time has been devoted to getting that going.

It feels really good to be doing. I could easily have crawled into a hole and locked myself away with all the sad things that have happened so far this year. But something (or someone perhaps?) is pushing me to keep moving. Forcing me to go above & beyond. I am truly amazed at how much strength I seem to have. Though certainly it doesn't mean that the pain is gone. It is still there, and very fresh, but somehow I am able to look at the sun outside & feel it's warmth on my skin & thank God.

02 April 2009


I'm quite ready for some warmer weather, and some blooming flowers, sprouting trees, and daily walks in the fresh air. This winter has seemed to be the longest one I've ever experienced and I'm far from ready for it to be over.

19 March 2009

Spring is drawing near. I need some color to combat these dreary days and get the inspiration moving again. Just hanging out, waiting patiently.

03 March 2009


I started this blog with the hopes that I would write more. And I didn't hold any specific expecations as to how often I would write. Of course daily would be grand, but I didn't pressure myself. I wanted to create a beautiful world of words that would inspire, words that would motivate, words that would pull me out of my funk & see beauty in each of them. It was working for a while, but at the moment, I'm lacking in beautiful words. I want nothing more than to go back in time; to find that rewind button & go back & know what to do to make things different.

I can't do that, but I really want to.

Now, I'm filled with endless & unanswerable questions that have taken up residence in my every thought. I know it's a process, but it's a painful process and there's no way to tell when the ache in my heart will minimize.

It probably is a good idea to write through this though. Life isn't always beautiful & perfect or filled with happy rainbow colored butterflies floating around every thought. There is a lot of ugliness too, and that ugliness is a part of life that, unfortunately, can't be ignored. Emotions are emotions, and they're real, regardless of their pretiness, or lack of.

16 February 2009


Tonight, right now, all I want to do is call my grandmother & say goodnight to her. I want to call her & say "hello" and then yawn, while she laughs at me & says "are we starting that already", because that's what we did. One of us would yawn, then the other would yawn, and we'd talk to each other about our day in between yawns. We were tired, but it didn't matter. Just one call, regardless of the duration, meant so much to me. Even just a short, one minute call to say "I love you" and let each of my boys take the phone to say "Goodnight Gammy, I love you", those calls mean more to me than anything right now because I would do it practically every night, and now I can't because she was taken away. She was such a huge part of my life.

05 February 2009


When I write, I need at least 30 minutes to sit & relax, & basically just decompress from the busy-ness of daily life, before I can even start to concentrate. I'm so used to going from one thing to the next, to the next, with no break in between, and then before I know it it's bedtime & I didn't write one single word all day long. I've been wanting to break this habit, but when you only have 1/2 hour (if you're lucky) on a daily basis, it's hard to write when you spend all that time trying to get to the point where you can write.

It's going to take some time, I see, to get this new habit off the ground and running consistently, but continue to push I must!

24 January 2009


I love the color blue, in each & every beautiful shade. One day, quite a few years ago, I stood in front of my closet gazing at an ocean of hues from deepest night to the lightest sky. I thought to myself that perhaps I should start trying on some other colors (other than black & white, which I also had a good portion of, and of course that was before children as I rarely wear white these days). Today, my closet still holds a pretty high percentage of blue clothing, but I've branched out & included some purples.

Every room in my house is white and I'm ready to splatter every cotton ball colored inch with refreshing tones of seafoam and lemon and romantic deep oranges & reds. I think I'll keep the blue to only one room though.

23 January 2009

"I feel like my muses are sitting outside right now, on some random and poorly furnished waiting room, listening to "on hold" music, while I scramble to rearrange the life inside. "

Reading through the "selected posts" on her blog, I stopped as soon as I came to this part. This is exactly how I feel right now. Perhaps my muses are listening to the Jeopardy theme music. And there are so many of them. Sitting. Waiting. Some hoping that I will sit down with a piece of crisp, blank paper, and start letting them dance their beautiful words. Others hoping that I'll pick up my camera and let them paint their beauty in images. They want to create. They want to be free.
And me? I'm stuck in the daily path of repetition and bland gray cubicle walls, ignoring them.

17 January 2009


It's really cold here. Perfect day to stay inside and cuddle up on the couch with the boys, some hot chocolate and a good movie.

14 January 2009


I'm a procrastinator.

And I will put things off until I can do them perfectly, exactly the way I envision them.

That really takes the enjoyment out of the creative process sometimes.

11 January 2009

Short on words

While my mind is always full and running, I'm feeling more expressive in the visual realm lately.

About Me

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40. mother. earth lover. mover. creater.